5/22/12 - Day 4 - Food and Emotion

So things are pretty tight for me this month. The 2 short term/extra income jobs I thought I had lined up this month and was counting on never materialized. Needless to say the larder is pretty bare since this is about the fourth month in a row that I haven't been able to buy more then the basics and replenish the emergency stores. Don't get my wrong, I wont starve before the end of the month, I really don't eat that much now as I did in the passed, but I have recently noticed that when my "emergency" food (canned beans, tuna, condensed soup, frozen veg, etc) start to really disappear I get very anxious/ uncomfortable. I have trouble relaxing and I notice I often tend to have anxiety dreams when it gets this empty.

I don't remember ever going hungry as a child, it's not like I lived through a famine. Sure meals where pretty inconsistent and my parents almost never cooked but I don't remember going hungry. Although I do seem to have repressed a significant amount of the time around when my mom and dad where braking up....

So where exactly is this anxiety coming from? Is it just about the fact that it means I'm broke? Lack of money causes it's own worry. Is it that I've run out of my favorite things? Is it something deeper? A loss of control of my habitat? I'm very protective of my personal space I get nervous when people I don't really trust come into my little home (needless to say I don't entertain much. ). Is that it? Is it just that I feel unprepared?

Even though I *know* I'm not going to go hungry and that there is enough food to last even if my check comes late next month, I can still feel the tension rising in my body when I think about the state of the cupboards, I feel my heartbeat increase and the muscles of my neck and shoulders tense, I feel like a turtle trying to pull it's head back into it's shell. And I'm restless, I can't really get out as much when I'm broke (there are free entertainment things going on in the summer so it's not as bad now). I find myself pacing around feeling trapped. Part of it is the lack of financial security I know, but part of it is definitely the food situation for sure.

Does anyone else fell like this or am I just that screwed up?
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I posted this on SparkPeople this morning and I got a handful of replies but one in particular struck me, she said,
 "I have learned a little bit about hoarding over the years and that is making sure that the food is always there just in case you want to need it primarily for emotional reasons. There are so many aspects to eating disorders." - KARINAELLENE

This just floored me, it had never occurred to my that my unhealthy relationship with food could go farther then with what I ate. I have been working hard to overcome my issues with emotional eating, going to Overeaters Anonymous meetings, talking to my therapist, going to support group meetings, blogging, talking to friends and family, learning new habits and new ways to cope. But here now was a whole new level to my unhealthy food relationship.

It was shocking any yet it made so much sense; of course if eating was comfort, safety, and love before, then it stands to reason that food itself had the same emotional impact. Even if I'm not eating for comfort anymore (mostly), having the food around me still provides fulfillment of some of those needs! Food is a security blanket, this could be why, during the stress of finals last week, I gave into temptation and bought some (healthier, but not good) comfort foods like sugar free jellybeans and pita chips. I thought I would binge when I got home but it was relatively easy just to take out a (double)portion and put the rest away. I guess at least part of the comfort came just from knowing it was there in the house and I could have it if I wanted it. I still wont be keeping trigger foods around much, but at least I now suspect the root of some of my anxiety and I'll talk to my therapist about it. 

5/21/12 - Day 3 OK it's actually the 22 but I posted this on SparkPeople last night but fell asleep before I could cross-post. 

           So this morning I had a really hard time getting myself up and moving. I've been feeling tired and run down and I have a cold sore which usually means my body is trying to fight something off (or I've just got another tattoo ) . So there was my excuse right there, I can skip the gym so I can rest and keep from getting sick... I almost gave in, I probably would have if today wasn't the only day my local YMCA had a Pilates class, I really wish they had at least 2, but no, today was the only day. I love this class and I knew if I missed it I would be kicking myself later. So I told myself "It's OK, just go to the class, do the best you can, and you can skip the weight training you usually do after. Just go to the class." So I did. I even walked the 7 blocks to the Y because I couldn't face having to juggle all my riding gear when I got there. Somehow I did one of my best classes so far, the instructor even complemented me. Then I was feeling so good that I went to the weight room. Admittedly it was a much briefer visit then I usually make but I got some good upper body work in as well as some squats. Then I walked the 7 blocks back home . I was really tired once I got back and I decided to take it easy for the rest of the day because, hey, my body's genuinely trying to fight something off.

        However, I was so inspired by the fact that I made myself get going, that I spent the rest of my 'down day' browsing through the SparkPeople Recipes and putting together a menu/shopping list for next week. Believe me I am not one to plan meals in advance, I usually like to leave myself open to whatever I crave at the time. But today I realized that as long as I picked a few healthy appetizing meals and got the required groceries in for them, I didn't have to set a specific day, I could just pick from the list as I wanted. I think this Idea of choosing a selection of meals and not assigning a date will really help me to eat healthier without getting board of feeling like I'm trapped in an elementary school cafeteria (look it's mystery meat and soggy salad day!), especially since most of the recipes I saved will do well if I freeze the leftovers in single portions and save them for when things get really hectic again.

See you next time.

5/20/12 - Day 2 - The Ah-ha Moment

OK I already posted this on Spark People but I want it here too.

First off I did my weigh in today and I'm down 2.2 lbs. since last Sunday Now on to what I really want to talk about.

In my weight loss surgery support group people are always talking about their "ah-ha" moment when they really realize just how much weight they have lost and the difference it is making in their life. I have had sort of ah-ha moments like when I realized I could feel my pelvic bones and ribs but I hadn't had a real ah-ha moment until yesterday. I have an old claw footed tub with shower curtains all the way around it, and yesterday during my shower I was wondering about how much quicker my showers had become. Then I realized it was because I wasn't constantly having to battle the curtains that where always sticking to me and getting in the way. There are now several inches of space between me and the curtains on both sides! That realization was kind of awesome.

After that I started to really think about all the changes that have happened:

- I can now walk 5 miles easily, I can run 2 blocks in a row with only 3 blocks of recovery (when I started I could barely run half a block and needed 5 or 6 blocks to recover)
- I can see my collar bone
- I can squat almost as much weight as I've lost (which really brought home just how hard my body was working just to do basic things before)
- I can beat the dog at tug-o-war (he's built like a tank)
- I can fit into a 16/18 pants which I haven't been able to do since high school (I was a 28 at my highest)
- I don't have to buy nearly as much fabric when I'm making cloths
- I can paint my own toenails
- I can tie my shoes without running out of breath
- my feet and knees don't contently hurt anymore
- I can ware my mothers cloths and some of my grandmothers vintage pieces
- my boob are smaller but they look bigger in comparison to my torso (went from 52DD to 38DDD/E)
- I don't mind being in pictures anymore
- I'm not so constantly self-conscious and I can sit in a chair without worrying it will collapse under me or the arms will get stuck on my hips when I try to stand
- I'm not worried about getting stuck in small spaces backstage at work or completely blocking the isle on the bus or in the clothing racks at the store
- I can use my Wii Fit balance board now without it telling me I'm too heavy to register
- Stretching and Pilates are so much easier without my fat getting on the way of bending
- I can fit more cloths in the washer at the laundromat (yay saving money!)
- I actually got really cold this winter, I haven't really felt cold in a decade (I never really understood why people needed to layer until this year)
- my balance is better
- I can use a cross-body purse without it ending up in my armpit
- I don't look ridiculous on my cute pink Vespa
- things I used to squeeze myself into (look it fits! no really!) are baggy, sometimes ridiculously baggy
- I actually have a before pic now!
- get tipsy off of 1 drink now instead 4 (cheap date now!)
- I notice attractive men now instead of protecting myself by being oblivious
- I speak up and meet peoples eyes more now
- I sleep much better, I haven't had a serious case of insomnia since just after the surgery
- I only got mildly sick this year instead of deathly sick
- I can pick up my 63 lbs dog when necessary (remember he's a tank)
- I don't have to pull seat-belts out all the way to the very end then have them dig in anyway

OK I can't think of anymore now but I'm sure I will later. Wow looking at this list really helps me appreciate things. Lately I've been getting really fixated on the frustration of having loose skin and rolls that force me to wear compression garments like spanks (not just for looking better in cloths, that skin flapping around can be really uncomfortable). It really helps to make a list of the things I should be happy and appreciative about.

Mobile Blogging

Yes! So now I've set up my mobile blog account so I can update when I'm stuck waiting somewhere.

Sent from my HTC smartphone on the Now Network from Sprint!

5/19/12 Day 1 - Well this is the Beginning

Well here we are. I've been told from multiple sources that journaling is a very healthy way to deal with things, from staying on track with weight loss to dealing with anxiety and depression. So I'm going to give it a try. Might not be as consistent as I should but my typing speed has increased over the last semester so that might help. About me: I have a dog named Bossa Nova, that's him up there on my incredibly ugly but comfortable couch. 
 I had RNY gastric bypass surgery at the end of June, 2011 and at this point I have lost 130 lbs. only 32 lbs. to go to hit the upper end of my goal range, 42 lbs. to hit the lower end. A lot of this journal will be about my weight loss journey.
My current plan includes keeping to my surgeons guidelines for my diet and track, track, tracking my food. I'm doing at least half an hour of cardio every day but most days its 60-90 min. and I'm doing Pilates and weight lifting twice a week.
I'm a student at my local Community College hoping to transfer to a 4-year with my AA in technical theater soon. I work part time as a theater tech at Capital Stage Company, a local non-profit professional theater. I do a lot of sewing projects, I am currently working on Steam Punk outfits for me and my friend Ed, for our mutual friends Steam Punk themed wedding at the end of August. Ed will be making us the hardware.
I just came from the local Mermaid Promenade, I didn't learn about it in time to make a costume but my sister did. Her costume was pretty basic but I now have all sorts of plans for making us and our dogs' costumes for next year, I'm thinking an Ursula theme, the dogs can be the electric eels.
There is a lot of tension and financial issues going on in my family right now that is pretty stressful, I'm not directly involved but somehow I always seem to become the mediator.
So that's it. My current life in a nutshell, I wonder what I'll blog about next.